January 28th, 2017

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She’s still tired a lot. And we rub against each other – at times scarily, threatening a split. And then we make up.

I told her about this blog after our last argument. I invited her to join. She cautiously accepted, said she would try.

Today a got a piece from her:

The weight on my shoulders,  vigilance in blocks. It rests on a tangled thick wire which  goes down to my pelvis – quite stable, still quite okay that triangle of pelvis. Good for dancing, for bearing weight. Yet right above it is the big  dark swamp of my belly – so vast and soft I don’t even look. I know I will need to. I know there are fishes there. Fishes of bending my head to avoid friction,  and above all – fishes of craving comfort.

Trust.

 

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January 21st, 2017

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I’m sitting on my bed with a cat by mi side. I feel happy.

B and I talked a lot in the recent few days. We talked about love, and mirrors, and food. And death. We don’t know what to do about it. At this point it’s – do our best and hope for the best. And we both know it will reap us apart. But actually, when I have dreams about dying, it’s very peaceful. So maybe that’s how it will really be?

Anyway. B is in love. It scares me because she’s so emotional and not very reasonable. It turns out that I am not the only reason why she came to the US. I feel ashamed that I thought I was. I’ll try to keep her safe.

I started heaving very motherly feelings towards her, though she is slightly older than I am.

I’m concerned about her health. Hence – I asked her about food.

B:…

Me: Don’t be afraid.

B: I am. I am terrified.

Me: See, but you don’t have to be.

B: Really? That is NOT my experience.

Me: Listen, you have nothing to lose. I mean, what is your alternative Honey?

B: Maybe the things that worked before will work again?

Me: I doubt it. They are what brought you here in the first place.

B: I know.

Me: I’ll be with you. See, this is what’s different now.

B: OK, but you’ll be with me?

Me: Yes, but you have to be committed to this too. I mean, specifically, you can’t just blindly fly after guys. Don’t get me wrong. You can be with whomever, as long as they treat you well and this has to come first.

B: Mhm.

Me: Let’s do it.

 

January 18th, 2017

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Hey there.

Something interesting happened today. I woke up this morning after some scary dreams that I don’t even remember (didn’t really want to remember), stressed out and afraid – I mean, intensely so. And it was about B. About her health, about her immigration status (she doesn’t have a green card). The night before B was feeling sick wouldn’t even talk to me. The anxiety persisted throughout the day.

We met in the evening for yoga and she was doing better than ever. We talk a walk in the park afterwards and I could feel my heart shaking.

Yes, we did buy the EXPENSIVE membership passes. I wonder if I should cancel my gym pass.

January 17th, 2017

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Just came back from the morning yoga. B and I used up all the cheap trial sessions together and now we need to decide if we want to commit. I’m fairly sure we do.

It’s all going fast and surprisingly well. I mean, things are what they are. She is clearly really unhappy, and  I can now see that her aggressive invasion into my life is a way of asking for help. I don’t think she has anyone else to ask.  I’m scared of her, but I also feel sorry for her.

Anyways, I texted her last morning and we had a pleasant over-the-text chat, which lifted up my day.

So, to go a little deeper – Why did I abandon B? Why did B cling to mom? She sounds as if she had no choice. And I was just trying to save my butt. Well, I guess it’s time to leave that all behind and start anew.

Somewhere inside I know she has something – the depth of feeling – that my life is lacking.

Rainy and gloomy here, but at least warm.

Just to think out loud a bit more – people just don’t have their shit together. I see it all over. I see it with B, how she’e making herself miserable. I want to be different.

Hey, did you know this is the official be happy week?

January 15th, 2017

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So we did yoga last evening. It was sweaty, and with sad music. Not very hard physically, though. Afterwards we got ourselves seltzer and chatted a bit. Somehow it felt less heavy and needy on her part. Maybe this is why I felt really terrible  – read NOT numb, but emotional and BAD. Like – at a loss, and everything from the past right in my face. I even said to to her – ‘B, why?’ But she just gave the same stare.

‘You can’t run away you know’.

And I knew I couldn’t. Because I did it once and I am sure she would follow, so it’s not even worth a bother.

‘We have to figure it out some other way then,’ I said.

‘I’m waiting’ she said, and I kinda felt she was right. Like – I abandoned her and moved out all these years ago, and now it was on me to make it up.

Her voice sounded hostile, though.

I went home and read Winnie-the-Pooh and it helped. And I actually woke up feeling fine this morning. A little tired with drama, but fine.

We’re doing yoga again tomorrow evening.

I wonder if hot yoga is actually good for you. Even my shins sweat when I do it. If anyone knows anything about it, pass it on, OK?

January 12th, 2017

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We met for dinner — no comments…

We are supposed to go to yoga this weekend ALSO. 

I’m doing this because I am actually concerned about her. She spoke less this time. She is definitely very down. It seems to be karmic – it’s like seeing my mom all over again. I even mentioned to her that she reminds me of mom a lot and she just stared at me and said “so?”.

And this is why our paths parted…

Anyways, one way or another, I hope she can make it through a yoga class.

 

January 8th, 2017

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So, the park meeting was a disaster. I have not seen her in a while. Seeing her was not good. She looks exactly like mom, only that maybe mom looked better when she was her age. She is overweight and her face looks really tired. And I should feel lovingly concerned, but my whole body is numb and “how do I get out of this”. Hm. I mean, I know this is wrong. But it’s still how it is.

Anyways, I wasn’t really able to say much to her when I saw her and she wasn’t able to walk – yes, she is in so bad a shape. So after a lot of awkward silence and her attempts to make me talk we went to our respective homes. Oh, btw, she talked plenty. Mostly about how miserable her health was… Jeez…

January 2nd, 2017

I have no idea what this is all about with B, but I have a strong sense that it had to do with our past (daaaa..). One way or another, at this point it’s pretty clear that she is here to get me and won’t leave no matter what – and I mean, no matter.

I have two options. Call the police or take up the dialog. Given that she’s my sister, the first one won’t really do.

So, you know, a couple of days ago I sent her a longish, serious email, asking what is this really about, and making it clear that I feel somewhat intimidated and under-siege. She ignored that. She called me early this morning saying that she just rented an apartment in Charlotte (!!! the city where I live)  and that we are now going to have a relationship.

I am concerned about her mental health. And it’s not like I need more drama. I mean, life is hard enough if you’re an immigrant, recently divorced and moved to a different state.

OK, I guess I’m being sorry for myself.

We’re supposed to meet this weekend in a park nearby.