January 21st, 2017

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I’m sitting on my bed with a cat by mi side. I feel happy.

B and I talked a lot in the recent few days. We talked about love, and mirrors, and food. And death. We don’t know what to do about it. At this point it’s – do our best and hope for the best. And we both know it will reap us apart. But actually, when I have dreams about dying, it’s very peaceful. So maybe that’s how it will really be?

Anyway. B is in love. It scares me because she’s so emotional and not very reasonable. It turns out that I am not the only reason why she came to the US. I feel ashamed that I thought I was. I’ll try to keep her safe.

I started heaving very motherly feelings towards her, though she is slightly older than I am.

I’m concerned about her health. Hence – I asked her about food.

B:…

Me: Don’t be afraid.

B: I am. I am terrified.

Me: See, but you don’t have to be.

B: Really? That is NOT my experience.

Me: Listen, you have nothing to lose. I mean, what is your alternative Honey?

B: Maybe the things that worked before will work again?

Me: I doubt it. They are what brought you here in the first place.

B: I know.

Me: I’ll be with you. See, this is what’s different now.

B: OK, but you’ll be with me?

Me: Yes, but you have to be committed to this too. I mean, specifically, you can’t just blindly fly after guys. Don’t get me wrong. You can be with whomever, as long as they treat you well and this has to come first.

B: Mhm.

Me: Let’s do it.

 

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